Written for Snap! magazine, published in October 2010
Online version can be found on page 28 at
It was 1989 and I was five when I developed a crush on Eric Raymond, the Misfits’ manager from Jem and the Hollograms. I was attracted to his mean-looking eyebrows. My life at the time consisted mainly of kindergarten, TV and playing make believe. I would watch the show right before going to xylophone lessons, where one of my teachers also had thick eyebrows. There was something very appealing to how they could make a person look evil that made me feel funny, in a good way…
Meanwhile, I had my eye on Don Hertzman, my carpool buddy’s dad. Don also had bushy eyebrows, somewhat akin to Tom Cruise. Tanned and in his early thirties, Don the young DILF drove a convertible and listened to Tommy and Billy Joel’s, “In The Middle of the Night” album. Don played the drums and spent his weekends Skidooing with his wife and three kids at this country house in the Laurentians. His son, Jeremy, would frequently use the word ‘penis’ in the car, causing me to blush. Jeremy would also try to take off my clothes, while under the guise of playing ‘doctor’.
I remember pacing around my kitchen, staring at the tiles, preparing to confess my crush to my mother. I made her promise she wouldn’t tell anyone. She agreed and I was relieved.
The following Wednesday morning, at 7:45 a.m., Don’s convertible was replaced by Linda, his wife’s minivan. Her grin let me know it was all over.
To this day, I am still a bit mortified about the situation.